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I am what I write...
In his famous essay 'Why I Write' George Orwell notes that perhaps at the age of five or six, he knew that he should be a writer when he grows up. According to Orwell, he was lonely as a child, he barely saw his father and developed 'disagreeable mannerisms' which amounts to the 'habit' of making up stories and having imaginary conversations. Orwell tried to abandon the idea as a young and growing adult but then settled on being a writer.
On the other hand, Joan Didion said, "I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means." She goes on with the idea of putting the words on paper and to see how she discovers what she is: a writer.
When I read such pieces about writing, it makes me wonder why I write? Neither the idea of being a writer fascinates me nor discovering myself as a writer is enticing enough to pursue. One may feel a shallowness in the argument but let me say this which many others might have said before me, being able to write is a privilege. And, writing in a dominant language such as English, is an entitlement. As a child, we never had this privilege, and when I say we, I mean a whole generation who grew up in post-colonial India of the '80s and '90s in small towns. To be more precise, growing up in an industrial colony or what they call in the United States, Company Towns. Growing up in a Company Town, doesn't let you think about being a writer in any way.
Growing up in a Company Town, your priorities are different and probably at that tender age, becoming something was not even a question we pondered about. For us, books always had a secondary place. Life was the most precious thing we had, and good food was a luxury. Jungles were our sanctuaries and schools were something all of us hated because we got beaten up there for reasons difficult to explain. With time, my life took a different turn and as the jungles receded to give way to more factories and mines, I slowly moved towards the sole library in the school, reading whatever I could find there. From Magazines to books, newspapers to comics, I read everything. I read because I had nothing else to do. We could not afford a television at home and who wants to stay in a 10x10 ft apartment with three brothers and parents all the time.
The library was an excuse to spend time in a large room where I had a table and a chair to sit. No one disturbed me. Those books accidentally led me to become a journalist as everyone in my school thought that my grasp of a certain language was better than others. The language was Hindi, and I was the only one who could write a grammatically correct essay in English which I memorized from books. I started reading English late in my life probably when I was Twelve or Thirteen. English language was a monster and to conquer the monster, I decided I had to fight it. When I finished reading almost all the Hindi books in the library, I read the English newspapers which came three days late from Delhi.
I read with the help of a dictionary and memorized answers for exams. Later when I accidentally became a journalist and moved to New Delhi, I realized knowledge of the English language saved me from destitution. I got my first job solely because I was a good translator. I could translate well as I knew English better than many others who had lost to the monster in their school days. To keep the monster at bay I read well-known English authors.
At this point the idea of writing came to me. I simply decided to write because I could not find my story in the novels I was reading. In Indian English writing, it is still difficult to find a novel about the industrial workers of India even though the first Prime Minister of independent India deemed the industries as new temples. In all the reputed Indian English novels such as Salman Rushdie's 'Midnight's Children', Arundhati Roy's 'God of Small Things', Rohinton Mistry's 'A Fine Balance', or any other Indian novel, there is not a single character who is from a mine or an industry. Reading these novels made me feel as if there were no industrial laborers in India. I felt disillusioned for a long time and believed I am nobody and our stories do not matter because writers decided not to write about us. In one such moment, Chinua Achebe and his books came into my life. Achebe, in an interview with Paris Review in 1994 said, "There is that great proverb — that until the lions have their own historians, the history of the hunt will always glorify the hunter."
This one proverb made me think about my own story and the question came to my mind: If I do not write my story, then who will? The impulse to write my story came first. And, much later came the idea of being a writer. I am still struggling with the technicalities of writing. From writing plot, structure, narration, 'show and tell', and other such trivialities, I am now sure about one thing: No one is going to write my story if I do not. While working on my novel in the last five years, I have thought about the question of why I write and the answer I can share is this: I write to find who am I.
Who am I is not a random question? It is a deep philosophical question asked by sages in India for centuries and answered in different ways in ancient texts. But still, the question remains relevant as time changes. Who am I? Writing is my way to find the answer to this question because once anyone figures out the answer, it leads to the ultimate realization or what the ancient wisdom calls, Nirvana.
Am I a writer? I do not know. I am yet to have that confidence of declaring, "I am a writer!" Although, I have just published my first book on a digital platform and am in talks with two publication houses to bring the digital book into print. Still, am I a writer? I do not know. I am in search of the answer. I am on the path of finding the answer as I also believe that journeys are more important than the destination. I have just started my journey to find who am I, through my writing. I want to keep walking for the time being without thinking about the answer or a destination.
I want to keep writing because I know that despite being late, I am at least on the path to finding the ultimate answer. I am not writing to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, or what I see and what it means. I am writing to find out who am I.
Bio
Jey Sushil is a writer. He is well known as a BBC journalist based in India. He is a PhD Candidate at Washington University in Saint Louis. He currently has two books out, House Husband ki Diary (a novel for an app) and an e-book, JNU Anant JNU katha ananta. He is co-founder of Artologue.